Loneliness
We all feel lonely from time to time. Feelings of loneliness are personal, so everyone's experience of loneliness will be different.
One common description of loneliness is the feeling we get when our need for rewarding social contact and relationships is not met. But loneliness is not always the same as being alone.
You may choose to be alone and live happily without much contact with other people, while others may find this a lonely experience. Or you may have lots of social contacts, or be in a relationship or part of a family and still feel lonely – especially if you don't feel understood or cared for by the people around you.
“The truth is that loneliness can affect anyone, at any age and any time — no one is immune” - Jo Cox
What causes loneliness?
Loneliness has many different causes, which vary from person to person. We don't always understand what it is that makes us feel lonely and it can often happen gradually.
For some people, certain life events may mean they feel lonely, such as:
- experiencing a bereavement
- going through a relationship break-up
- retiring and losing the social contact you had at work
- becoming a new parent
- changing jobs and feeling isolated from your co-workers
- moving to a new area or country without family, friends or community networks.
Other people find they feel lonely at certain times of the year, such as around Christmas. Some research suggests that people who live in certain circumstances, or belong to particular groups, are more vulnerable to loneliness.
For example, if you:
- have no friends or family or are estranged from your family
- if you care for someone else – you may find it hard to maintain a social life
- belong to minority groups and live in an area without others from a similar background
- are excluded from social activities due to mobility problems or a shortage of money
- experience discrimination and stigma because of a disability or long-term health problem, including mental health problems.
Loneliness facts and statistics
- In total, 45% of adults feel occasionally, sometimes or often lonely in England. This equates to twenty-five million people (ONS).
- 1 in 5 Newham people reported feeling lonely often (ONS).
- 23, 412 people live alone in Newham.
- Loneliness, living alone and poor social connections are as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad, 2010).
- Half a million older people go at least five or six days a week without seeing or speaking to anyone at all (Age UK).
- One in five people in the UK say they experience feelings of loneliness, and during the coronavirus pandemic, many more of us felt anxious and isolated (Campaign to end Loneliness).
How do I know if someone is feeling lonely?
There are things we can keep an eye out for in ourselves and in others. People who are feeling particularly lonely might change their moods or behaviour. They may be suddenly quieter or could be sending more messages and reaching out more than usual.
It can affect how much you sleep and eat too. There might be other reasons why someone acts differently, but the best way to find out is to ask. Pick a relaxed time with no pressure, and start by talking about a topic you both like. For example, are you both up to date on your favourite TV programmes? Do you have a fun memory together? Gently as how they are feeling. Don't be afraid to be direct and ask if they feel lonely at times.
Make sure they feel comfortable. Sometimes it's too hard to say how they feel straight away. Let them know you are there for them and keep checking in with them. This could be done over a socially distanced walk or online. Voice notes and video calls are a good way to feel connected when not in person.
What can I do to help someone who might be lonely?
Many of us are already doing a great job of looking out for others, but there is still more we could all do to make our community healthier and happier. Sometimes all it takes is a small act. Whether it’s popping to the shops, offering a lift or just saying hello - however big or small the task, everyone can look out for a neighbour nearby.
By doing your bit to support people in your neighbourhood, you’ll help to rekindle neighbourly spirit and could help someone who is feeling lonely or isolated.
Someone nearby could need help but not feel comfortable or able to ask for it.
Tips on how to spot if someone might need some help
- You see them struggling with day-to-day tasks e.g. hanging out the washing.
- Their usual appearance has changed.
- Their curtains have stayed drawn for a couple of days or their post hasn’t been collected in a while. It’s probably nothing (they could just be having a lazy weekend) but if you’re worried, give them a call or knock on their door to see if they’re okay.
- They are not as chatty as usual.
Helpful tips
91% of us think that small moments of connection can make a difference to someone who is feeling lonely. It could be as simple as smiling at the person next to you, or starting a chat while waiting for the bus.
You could look out for your neighbours by:
- Taking letters to the post box
- Helping someone fill in a form or use the computer
- Offering a lift to a GP or hospital appointment
- Taking a book back to the library
- Chatting over the fence
- Offering to walk someone’s dog
- Taking someone for a trip to a cafe or local community event
- Organising a regular get together
How to be a conversation starter
Just like your first day at work or school, it’s not always easy to find something to talk about with someone you don’t know.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
- Introduce yourself – it sounds obvious but it’s something lots of people forget!
- Chat about the weather – come rain or shine, people love to talk about the weather as it’s a great way of breaking the ice.
- Events in your area – is there anything going on nearby that your neighbour might be interested in?
- A common interest – do you share a hobby or interest with your neighbour that could spark a conversation?
Staying safe
Looking out for people in your neighbourhood is great, but it’s important to stay safe and feel comfortable asking for or receiving help from others.
- Always make sure your neighbour knows who you are before you offer to help them and respect their privacy.
- Never let someone into your house unless you know who they are.
Respect boundaries
Not everyone wants to chat. And that’s ok.
If someone has their headphones on, or their phone out, it’s usually a sign they don’t want to be interrupted. They could be busy, or just simply not feel like chatting. And that has to be respected. But, that’s also why the act of taking your headphones off, or putting your phone away is so powerful; it gives others the sign that you might be open to having a chat as well.
If you have any tips or would like to tell us about how you’re supporting someone who is or has been lonely, please email CNsocialcare@newham.gov.uk
If you’re feeling lonely
If you've felt lonely for a long time, even if you already know lots of people, it can be terrifying to think about trying to meet new people or opening up to people for the first time. But you don't need to rush into anything.
For example, you could try doing an online activity where other people attend but you're not expected to interact with them, such as a drawing lesson. Or if you're interested in joining a new group or class, you could speak to your local Community Neighbourhood Link Worker who will attend with you, refer you to an activity companion or ask if you can just watch at first, rather than taking part.
Simply knowing that other people are there may be enough to help with some feelings of loneliness.
"I was so nervous the first time I visited knit and natter, but Monjila introduced me to everyone and after 10 minutes I felt like I’d known them all for years. Going weekly gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a sense of purpose and stops the loneliness."
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